The Gift

Have you ever been given a gift that you didn't want? You look at the gift, feeling disappointed, but try to muster up a convincing smile and a 'thank you'. The giver is there before you, with anticipation and excitement. They have obviously put a lot of thought and love into that gift, and they are so pleased to finally give it to you. You only hope they don't sense your dissatisfaction. You quickly give them a hug, so that they don't see your smile break.

It's hard to fully appreciate a gift you have never wanted; maybe even hoped you'd never get.

That's how I feel about our move to Russia. I feel like this is a probably a meaningful gift from Heavenly Father. That He has great plans for us in being here, that great things may happen for us, and that the things we learn here will be really valuable.

Unfortunately, I'm a disgruntled receiver, and I'm honestly ashamed of it. I think, "I never wanted any of this." My real wants were simple, perhaps even boring to some people: A small, modest home in a safe, smallish town, a dog, a fenced-in backyard, a place to finally settle, put down roots, and raise my beautiful children, and maybe even a place where Jon and I could grow old together. I picture a nice swing on our porch where we'll sit together and talk about "the good old days".

But, THIS -- this is huge! We're living in Moscow, Russia! And, I don't say that with excitement, but shock. I know some people would die for an opportunity like this. Yet, I was the one given this gift. Why? What am I supposed to learn here? How long will it last? What about the dreams I had for my family that have had to be shelved for now? Will those dreams ever be realized, or will they be shelved forever? Everybody told us, "Oh, you can do anything for three short years." True, but will it really only be for three years?

Jon and I worry that our position here in Moscow is not sustainable for much longer than the three years, but Jon often mentions to me about the possibility of other universities in other countries having an increased interest in hiring him -- now that they know we were willing to live outside the U.S. Jon's not quite so anxious to return to the U.S. as I am, and he talks almost excitedly about the other opportunities we could have in other countries. Sadly, his words fall on unenthusiastic ears. "Yeah, Honey, that would be.......great (?)."

I strive to keep an open mind, though. Sometimes, I admit, I get too wrapped up in my own "needs" or wants, and that's when it gets all too easy to slip into a depression. Life is not easy for any of us here. But, when I take a step back and try to see the whole picture, I know this is not just about me. In fact, this experience could possibly not be about me at all!

Sometimes, when a family goes through an "experience", sure, everyone can profit from learning from it, but maybe the experience is really more for one or two individuals in particular. When I think that we are here for Jon to learn and grow professionally, or for some of the children to learn something they never could have learned if we'd ended up in my "happily ever after", it's so much easier for me to accept our current situation. I would do anything for my family that I love.

Jon and I have always been aware of some inner strengths in Kate as we have watched her grow from a chubby infant to a gangly seven year old. We've always thought that if she held on to those strengths as she grew even older that they would be a real asset to her character. We were nervous to send Kate to a Russian public school, but we felt strongly that that was where she should be, despite all the doubts that many other people had. These last several months we have watched in complete awe as Kate has completely blossomed while she's pushed through her own challenges with determination and a positive attitude. Her Russian language skills have completely exploded! I don't think she's quite fluent yet, but she's definitely on her way. She has already exceeded the expectations of everybody involved. She is one tough cookie! I can't wait to see how James and Bruce grow when they're given the opportunity to get out of the apartment and go to school (hopefully) next year.

I honestly, honestly know that despite our daily frustrations and discouragement, that once we leave and look back on this time together in Moscow, we are going to be so grateful for it and cherish our memories here (as long as no one dies, of course). Jon feels that there is a good chance we'll always have a tie to Russia. Even if we don't remain here forever, perhaps one or two of our children will return someday when they're older. Despite my occasional bad attitude, feelings of joy and pride in being here in Moscow are coming to me more often than they used to. I also realize that no matter where we would have ended up, there is ALWAYS an adjustment period after a move. I do believe that part of my challenge was living through my first dark, cold Moscow winter. Now that the subzero temperatures seemed to have subsided, I can't express the feelings of accomplishment that I have. I made it through!

I won't be ungrateful for this gift. I have SO many other blessings that I am truly thankful for that I can't dwell on my struggles or what I don't have. Besides, if I was given the choice to choose between the dreams that I've had to shelf or the wonderful family that I have, I wouldn't even hesitate -- I would choose my family! They are my biggest blessing. I feel like I already have what truly matters.

I've always been afraid of failure and so I usually avoid trying new things. I would have never come to Russia had Heavenly Father not given us the necessary nudge to go. However, I have found that when I do challenge myself, I enjoy my experiences and I become a better person because of it.

On second thought, maybe it's not that I never wanted this gift, like I suggested at the beginning of this post, maybe it's just that I don't know what to do with it. I think the answer is to just make the best of it. Like a plain wooden box with a hidden opening that once figured out holds treasure inside, I do believe that I can find my own "treasures" here in Moscow. All I need to do is look for them.